HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE

What this book is about

This book revolves around the idea that people like to talk about themselves and that they are only devoted to ideas that they develop themselves. Dale Carnegie focuses on how to get people to come up with an ideal solution on their own. By encouraging people when they make good decisions, they are likely to develop solutions that you agree with, and they will be devoted to implementing those solutions because they own them.

Dale Carnegie began this book with the very basics. He gives advice which he expounds upon throughout the rest of his work. He begins by advising the reader never to criticize or condemn. Rather, we should find ways to appreciate and praise those around us. This is a recurring theme which leads well into the next section, which focuses on how to get people to like you. Carnegie structured this section around six principles which focused on ways the reader could show interest in the other person. He writes that many of us have things backwards. We try to get people to like us by getting them to focus on us. But the real key is to focus on the other person. Small actions like remembering a person’s name or smiling when you see them can make a difference. Even just letting the other person take control of a conversation demonstrates your interest. It appears that vanity takes total control and we can’t help but be flattered when we feel someone taking interest in us.

His next section focuses on influencing other people. He writes about twelve different principles in this section, but ten of them focus on ways to be agreeable. He begins this section by noting that you can never win an argument. People will defend themselves if they feel attacked. This approach will only entrench them in their ways. Rather than focus on differences, we should focus on what we have in common. We should attempt to understand why our opinions differ, and give their opinion respect. We should even try to let the other person feel that our idea was actually his or hers so that they are more receptive to it. After establishing an agreeable platform, Carnegie suggests that you “throw down a challenge.”

Carnegie makes a distinction between influencing other people and being a true leader. His last section is on being a leader. This section focuses on how to get people to act how you would like them to even when you’re not there. He suggests some ways you could help people develop certain habits so that you are no longer giving orders. This process starts off by letting people know that they are appreciated and valuable. Carnegie suggests that you don’t point out another’s mistake. As he mentions many times before, change must come from within that person if you expect it to be accepted and lasting. To accomplish this, Carnegie suggests that you let the other person realize their mistakes on their own by only getting at the mistakes indirectly or mentioning a similar mistake that you made. Finally, since change is a slow and incremental process, Carnegie stresses that the individual must be praised for every improvement, no matter how small.

What Carnegie Did Well

Carnegie wrote about what he knew. It was clear, even from his writing style, that Carnegie was a likeable guy. He knew how to talk to people, and how to have fun doing it. He made conversations with strangers into a game where he’d try to get the other person to like him through the strategies he wrote about in this book. But he was careful where to draw the line, and he cautioned against insincerity. Instead of promoting insincerity, he wrote about ways in which to foster compassion. He often invited the reader to step into the shoes of the person they seem to have a problem with; to listen to that person and to really try to see the validity in what they are saying. You don’t even have to agree with the other person, you only need to understand that their viewpoint is almost always justified in some way, and that you might not be completely right. This gives you the ability to respect their opinion and go from there. He also illustrates each principle with numerous examples. These examples are a bit outdated, but that really just added interest to the book.

What I Didn’t Like

While many of Carnegie’s examples were interesting, he had too many. The point was often made in the first or second example, but they kept on coming. Carnegie’s writing would have been stronger if he had cut down on the number of examples. He could have chosen one or two of the best examples to illustrate each principle so the reader didn’t feel like he was just filling space.

Recommendations

I was generally happy with this book. I began reading it with quite a bit of skepticism—its title makes it sound like a book on how to be insincere. It sounds like a book that gives MBA’s a bad reputation, but it was actually quite sincere. Most of Carnegie’s principles were common sense, but this book served as a nice reminder to enjoy those around you. I recommend this book to people looking for an easy, entertaining, casual read.